Wednesday

Perspective

It's one am. I spent the entire drive home rehearsing in my mind what I wanted to say in this post, how I could touch you. I'm no closer to an answer as my fingers begin to type then I was when I backed out of my parking space at St. Judes.

Today was one of those days. It had been rough, I felt overwhelmed and under qualified for every "job" I'm trying to do. Lately (and lately has lasted a long long time) I've had this constant angst that I'm loosing to time in this invisible battle. There is always just so much to do and I constantly find myself trying to figure out a way to schedule in laundry, editing, groceries and that webinar that I've been wanting to hear and I don't even know where to find an extra moment in my day to do it.

I had 2 of the 3 kids asleep, it was almost 10pm and I was settling in to one of my long nights.  I was planning to plant myself at my desk till the early hours of the morning and try to barrel through the workload that sits before me... But the phone rang. It was Will, he was calling because a baby unexpectedly arrived very early (born at 22 weeks) and would not be coming home from the hospital. NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep) needed someone to come in and photograph this little one so that her parents would have a keepsake of her brief time before she went back to heaven.



There I sat knowing what he was about to ask. I still hadn't had my training, I hadn't had time to read over all the information, one battery was dead, my other almost. I felt terrified that I wouldn't do a good enough job. But this was my third call in the last month from NILMDTS coordinators. The first time I'd waited for a call back but thankfully it was never made. The second time I'd been out of town, and later found out that they worked down the entire list of Portland photographers with no avail.  And so with the hospital's P&S camera in hand, the nurse did her best to tell the story of a life. Tonight, even if I had to go alone, training or not, I would be there. Thankfully Emma (Will's fantastic wife) of The Reversed Lens offered to go with me and let me shadow with her.

I spent the entire 30 minute drive praying... Thanking God for all that I have, for how blessed I am while also asking for peace and guidance and the ability to recognize the needs of this couple. The experience was very bitter-sweet, Emma did all the shooting and I acted as her assistant and watched how she photographed, interacted and conducted the session.




As I held this tiny baby girl in my arms, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be tonight. And I felt a deep gratitude in every fiber of my being that I have the opportunity to serve in such a profound way. While we stood in that sterile hospital room, we found out that this was the second time that this couple had needed and used the services of NILMDTS. Twice they have felt the joy of pregnancy, the anticipation of an ultrasound, the joy of a heartbeat and now once again they have to endure the heartbreak, the devastation and the sorrow of knowing that when they leave the hospital their baby will not come home with them.

NIMDTS needs photographers. They need us to serve and give to these moms and dads who have just lost so dearly. And you know what? We need them too. We need the reminder of just how precious the work that we do is. This is it. We are story teller's, you tell me if you lost a loved one tomorrow what would their pictures mean to you. This is the only physical evidence that they will have of their babies life here. And that life is precious, it is important... And it deserves to be told.



I know that there are many of you who want to sign up but the fear that you're not good enough is holding you back. Let me ask you... Are you a better photographer then the nurse with the hospital camera? If you are, then I promise you, you're good enough!

Read the stories of parents who have been blessed through the efforts of NIMDTS and its photographers, look at the pictures. They are not technically perfect and most of the time because of bad hospital lighting are Black & White but those images for those parents are now a priceless family treasure. They are all that that mother and father have to prove that this little life was lived.

You can also feel great assurance in knowing that you can shadow as many times as you need to before you feel ready to go out on your own.

I know others of you have expressed concerns about composure. Tonight I cried, I couldn't help it. I was watching a mother say goodbye to her daughter. I would venture to say that I will never photograph one of these babies 
without crying. I am a crier, I know that about me. I cry in commercials and Disneymovies and lame reality TV shows, of course I will cry. And you know what it's okay of I'm crying with mom, the only thing it will say to her is, 'I care'.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep needs volunteers. No mother, who is carrying the grief and pain of loosing her child should ever have to hear 'I'm sorry, we don't have anyone available' in her hour of need. I hope you will seriously consider signing up, even if it takes you a year before you're ready to go out on your own. These babies and their parents need us. How incredibly blessed we are to have the opportunity to offer healing for their hearts through the talents Heavenly Father has given us.

** If you have ANY questions, just ask in the comments and I will do my best to answer back in the comments.

26 comments:

  1. Wow - this is something that i would love to do but unsure if its done here in Switzerland. But something to for sure look into when i am little more experienced with my external flash.
    Thanks so much for sharing your experience.

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  2. Thank you for doing this very special and inspiring post. I lost my son during birth six months ago. It was very sudden and unexpected and we did not know about NILMDTS. The hospital picture was horrible but we took some with our iphone that I have been able to edit and make look like how I remember my baby and they are very private but precious to me! What this organization does is so needed and so honorable. I hope that one day I may be able to minister to others through it - when I am emotionally ready...
    Here is a post I wrote about the loss myself and other mothers have experienced. I hope it can further inspire those who are considering serving through NILMDTS.

    http://lovelybud.typepad.com/lovely-bud/2010/05/thoughts-on-motherhood-loss-and-the-sea.html

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  3. as an area coordinator with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep I want to say thank you for sharing your story! if we could all recruit just one more photographer then we would be able to service more families, so thank you for sharing the importance of NILMDTS!

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  4. I have thought and prayed so very hard about this...about using my "skills" as a photographer to help others, to show them love and compassion, and to be a testament of my faith by showing others the selflessness of Christ through this art. I've struggled though, with finding the confidence in myself to go through with it. I've been going back and forth between this organization and Operation Love, which provides portrait services to families with a loved one being deployed, or coming home from a deployment. They both equally call out to my heart.

    This post was very inspiring for me. I also didn't know that you could shadow for as long as you feel the need, that helps me tremendously to know that. Thanks so much Leah. Oh, and by the way, should I decide to join NILMDTS, I will most definitely be a cryer too....

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  5. Do you have to be a professional photographer to do this? I'm asking because I don't have a business yet, I'm just starting out. We're military, so we're moving a lot too, but I would love to do this.

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  6. ps. good for you for doing that. . . I have been on the mommy side of that fight and it is a terrible place to be. I am also a photographer, but when you're baby is dying, you're definitely not thinking about taking photographs. You're holding him, watching monitors and waiting to see the last rise and fall of his chest. We have some nurse made pics from a point and shoot as well. . . God bless.

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  7. Thank you for this. I have gone back and forth about working with them, my fear too being about not being good enough. After watching my brother and his wife go through this twice, I always thought there was nothing I could do. I will be contacting them shortly to start the process of joining. You found just the right words.

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  8. God bless you and all of the other NILMDS photographers. It takes a very special person to be able to give this gift.

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  9. Sweet Sweet Natalie. I knew as soon as I read the comment on my phone it was going to be you. You have been in my prayers. I cried harder reading your comment then I did writing this post. I saw on your blog that you will be speaking at a Women's Conf. Oh how I miss Laie and wish I could be there for it.

    Little Pieces: Based on the name, I say you are professional enough. But you can email and confirm. I signed up a long time ago, I think before I even had my business license. So yes, I believe you can.

    For those of you who are going to join. I'm so proud of you and thankful that you are willing to do this. It's of course a difficult task but we will be blessed for it! I am sure of that! Photographers are passionate people by nature, I believe that makes us ALL great candidates.

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  10. I think the only thing worse than not having a photographer available is for a hospital to not even know about it.

    Even if you don't feel ready or strong enough yet to be a photographer for NILMDTS, you can still help spread the word. No one wants to have to plan and do research on what to do if you don't get to leave with your little one. My local hospital didn't know about it and so I was so glad that I went to take in the flyers. You can just print off flyers from their website to give them. Make sure they are informed!

    Thank you, Leah, so much for sharing your story. You are so strong!

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  11. Leah, I just wanted to say that your post about NILMDTS is very well-written. I remember visiting their site last year and was a sobbing mess upon watching the video. It hurts to thank how much pain these families suffer. I just cannot imagine. God bless you in your work for NILMDTS & the families you serve.

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  12. Leah, do you have to be proficient with a speedlight? I don't even own one at the moment, so I'd need to get one and practice with it.

    This post really touched me.

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  13. What a lovely post! You've inspired me to sign up. Thank you.

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  14. I just have the same problems like a lot of others, I don't think my photos are good enough and I'm not sure I can hold the camera still, because I will be crying my eyes out with the parents.

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  15. I am not a photographer, but I will pass on the word to anyone I know. I think what you are doing is noble, unselfish, and so courageous. I admire your gift of giving, and I hope you achieve your goal of getting more photographers to join you.

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  16. So inspiring! I want to volunteer but my fear is that my tears and emotions will make me forget to photograph the precious last moments. I'm not even a newborn photographer but feel drawn to this organization.

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  17. I just volunteered. I don't even have a website yet. I have been building a portfolio for the last few months now. After reading your first post about NILMDTS I went to volunteer and then read their application and felt like I wouldn't be pro enough. After this latest post I decided to go for it. I want to help so badly. It is in their hands now. THANK YOU!

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  18. I have the same problem like Jennifer. I'm not sure if I'm pro enough, if my photos are good enough, if I even have the equipment to do this.

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  19. All of you who volunteer are AMAZING to me. I think often of joining and then can never bring myself to do so because I really think I would crumble with tears. I write this as my 3 1/2 month old is sleeping in the next room and I thank God every day that I was able to have him home (as well as my 3 year old.) You who have the strength to do this are angels and I commend every one of you. Perhaps one day I can make that move, but until then, God bless every one of you.

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  20. Oh my goodness, I am so elated to here that some of you have or will be signing up, thats wonderful!

    For those of you who have questions, we will have some one directly from NILMDTS answering them for you so ask away here and I'll get you some answers!

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  21. I would love to do this but thought you had to be a professional photographer. I have no desire to make photography a business but it's my passion and I wonder if they'd allow me to participate?

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  22. Thank you. I have been going back and forth about doing this. My bigest concern has been my availability. We are a one car household with a little boy and picking up and leaving is tough. I want to be a part of it more than ever after reading your post. How often in a month do most people get called?

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  23. I started out my profession as a PICU/NICU nurse, and have been looking to 'help out' in some way. This is exactly what I want to be a part of... Thank you for bringing this to my/our attention.

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  24. i just signed up. but i know that this would be so hard, and i like you, would cry...a lot!

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